All the Feels

I'm certain this season will go down in my history book. It deserves to, because the harder the fight, the more glorious the victory and this has been one heck of a fight. It literally almost took me out; out of my marriage, out of my ministry and most significantly, out of my walk with Jesus. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. Faith is one of my gifts and it comes naturally to me like high metabolism (which I've also abused on occasion) but I guess that's where the enemy got a foothold. I took it for granted. I let my walls down because I thought I was invincible.

Three months ago on the drive home from work, I was on the highway about to exit and I had a thought like I just want to keep going down I-20, never go home and just see where I end up. I told my husband I didn't want to be married anymore. I hated my job. I wanted to runaway. I considered that for the last thirteen years I've done everything God has asked me to. Not that I'm perfect but I've been obedient in the hard moments. You know, the ones that make you want to quit life like getting pregnant at 20 when you aren't married and then staying married when your marriage is legitimately broken and full of resentment, unforgiveness & hopelessness, not to mention alcohol & adultery, when you finish college with two small children at home, when you lose friends not knowing if you'll make new ones, when you pursue career after career with debt piling up, when you keep going to church even though its a fight every single Sunday morning and you don't even know if God notices. Now, I know there are people facing harder battles than these but I believe that whatever battle you face, if it's the hardest one you've faced then its just the hardest one ever. We shouldn't compare even our struggles because, friend, God does notice and He's not comparing, He's cheering us on. Anyways, I woke up one day, and felt like all my obedience should make me feel happier...but it didn't so I didn't want to be obedient anymore. I just wanted to feel better.

I'm not an emotional person. In fact, I hate feelings. They just confuse you, distract you, make you believe things that aren't true. I like facts and rules, and the occasional "calculated" risk. But for some reason, I had all the feelings all at once. They took over my whole being y'all. I literally googled memes that hash tagged "all the feels" and I totally got every single one. Like I'm just screenshot-ing all of them because somehow having them saved on my phone made me feel less crazy?! This desire to feel better was just the beginning of The Battle of 2016. I'm still dealing with the aftermath and honestly I'm not sure if I won or lost yet but I'm confident I will win The War of a Lifetime, my lifetime. I know this because even in my sins(and there have been some huge ones) and in my rebellion, every single day I poured my heart out to God. I yelled and cried, I begged and pleaded, I offered deals and threw huge fits but the point is I kept God in my midst, I kept Him all around me and even when I almost couldn't see Him anymore, I squinted really tight and I fixed my eyes on Jesus. The author and perfecter of my faith. See, God is the best author because He can write things we can never even imagine, far better in fact but His endings are predictable. He is love, He is good, and He is in me so as He writes my story, I become all those things. I have an eternal, gloriously good ending and I don't want to miss it, no matter how I feel.

On Being a Warrior

I'm a warrior. Not because I necessarily want to be but I wasn't given much of a choice. Like Mulan. She's my girl. She gets it. I mean, she kind of had a choice but not really because she couldn't just let her dad go to war to be killed. It was part of her beliefs. That's not who she was and certainly not who she wanted to be so she had to rise up. She had to become a warrior. Am I going to let my marriage fail? Am I going to send my children out unequipped? Will I leave my friends when they need me most? Will I hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, envy? NO! And I don't really have a choice either because that's just not who I am and definitely not who I want to be. It's part of my beliefs.

Maybe there's someone out there though, that just doesn't think they're cut out for the fight. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you don't know what the fight is all about and you think it's pointless. God is love right? We should all get participation trophies in life; do nothing but get rewarded anyways. That's half right. God is love but He also tells us to fight the good fight, run your race, persevere! Whether we want to or not, whether we like it or not, there is a battle going on around us. The enemy absolutely wants to us to become complacent, or self-satisfied because then his job is that much easier. Then God becomes a want, not a need. God is not just an added bonus to this life, He is Life (John 14:6). Maybe you've never experienced a moment where you were lost, broken, grieved, or discouraged and if that's true then you need to be writing a blog or youtubing or something sharing your secrets but I'm willing to bet that if you're real with yourself, you're missing something. You're unsatisfied about something. You long for it, ache for it and crave it. Friend, that's your soul and it needs Jesus. Only He can fill it and only He can save it.

But you'll have to fight for it. You can settle for your ordinary or you can rise up for God's extraordinary. I don't know what that looks like for you, or even for me most days, but I do know that when I reach out for Jesus, that ache becomes an ember and when I fan it with His Word and my prayers, it grows into a fierce fire that compels me to step out in faith. That's when we walk on water, defeat giants, and move mountains. It's also when we feel peace that makes no sense, the greatest joy when we should feel sad, purpose in chaos, forgiveness instead of anger, and wholly loved despite our flaws. I don't want that fruit, I need that fruit and it only comes from Him. The choice then is not about whether to fight at all but about which side you fight for. The side that is looking for victory or the side that has already claimed victory.

I'm a warrior. I'm not looking for victory. I've already found it and I fight from it.

Tribe of Women

^"Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, ⁴ so that they may ^[b]encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored." --Titus 2:3-5

On our journeys, we all have someone further along and someone coming behind us. It's so important that we remember we're all on the same journey - homeward bound-- and not do this alone. We weren't meant to.

I have three boys and I often worry about my middle son because I was afraid he'd develop the "middle child syndrome". I joke truly about this but I do think there's something to be said for birth order and personality types. And having a strong older brother and an outgoing younger brother, I was afraid he'd get lost. But really, he has the best of both worlds. He gets the benefits of being led and learning from mistakes of Noah, my oldest son and he also gets the honor & responsibility of leading Seth, the baby. Both roles are hard. You have to be humble to be led, willing to learn, be broken and then use it for growth. As a leader, you take all the vision and conviction you can muster and pray like crazy you're doing it right, being strong without crushing those in your charge.

You know what, we're all middle kids. We're all learning and growing and we're all leading and being used. Its the toughest, most beautiful struggle. It's why we need Jesus, who is the greatest leader because simultaneously He is also the greatest servant. So there's no need for us to work against each other, we need to work together. We need each other to be the best versions of ourselves. I'm better when I'm surrounded by my sweet sisters in faith. They speak truth and love to me, encourage me that I'm not alone and that I'll make it. We're really all just walking each other home.  

Driver's Education

I work downtown and I live in a smaller town outside of the city. It's about a 30 minute commute to work with traffic, which there almost always is. Yesterday as I was driving to work, a large dump truck moved over into my lane right in front of me. I'm the kind of driver that likes to see around me but this truck was so large I couldn't. Immediately I wanted to change lanes but I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to stay in the lane I was in. To wait. In that moment, God said, "I want you to practice waiting." See, I could've and certainly wanted to move around the truck and get on my way but because I didn't know what was up ahead, the other lanes might not have been a better choice. God reminded me that He alone knows the way and He would make a way for me if I would wait and trust Him. He said that He just needed me to focus on the truck in front of me, that's it,  and just keep moving forward. God is the truck and He wants us to focus on Him, not on everything around us. We think we always need to be moving, looking for the best lane to be in but we don't. We need to listen to our Shepherd who guides us exactly where we need to be. His ways are always higher and better than ours.

The Bible tells us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14
Waiting with God is always purposeful and intentional. If He's not working in the circumstances around you, then He's working in you. There is no insignificant act of obedience. God meets us where we are, even in 8 am traffic. If we'll be willing to listen. He won't let you down.

Then when the timing is right, He'll bless your move. At first, cars were passing me by but after a few seconds, we began passing the other cars in both lanes. Then after I was obedient and God showed me what He needed me to know, He let me change lanes and move. Any move we make that's of our own abilities can land us in a wreck, with a flat, with a speeding ticket, or at the very least missing out on a really special moment that builds something great in us. My morning may have been completely typical if I hadn't listened and just went on my way, maybe nothing bad would have happened. I don't know about y'all but I don't want typical. I don't want boring. I don't want to settle for my good enough when I can have His best. I want fun, amazing, inspiring, encouraging, awesome moments with the Creator of the Universe who also happens to be my friend. And by the way, He's worth the wait.

Don't wish for it, work for it!

We are such an uncommitted group of people. Our culture, society, generation, whatever word you want to use to classify us, we're just not loyal to anything. We don't commit to a spouse, to a work out routine, a diet, a friendship, a bible study, a prayer time, disciplining our children, a church and then we wonder why we never see results. God's Word says "Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and He will act" and "Love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength." We don't like to feel uncomfortable. All these talks about participation awards are really because people are lazier than others but they think they should get rewarded just for trying. Like good intentions smeared with love are just as good as love in action. They aren't. Love is hard, not easy. It's easy to say you love someone but showing them that love is almost impossible. Loving like Jesus is something we'll spend our whole lives trying to do and still never understand it. Love in action is giving to someone you don't think deserves it, it's standing next to your spouse when they've broken your heart, its giving boundaries to your children even when they throw a fit because it teaches them obedience not just to their dad but their Father in Heaven. It's offering forgiveness when you haven't received the apology you wanted. It's laying your life down, reaching out, giving away all that you have, not because any one of us deserve it but because God loves us that much and if we're so filled up with Him, we can't help but give some of that lavish love away. To the extent that you receive His love, will be the extent that you can give it away. Believe that God loves you, He is for you, He has a plan for your life to prosper you, give you hope, He knows every word before you speak it, He uses all of your sins for good. He's a gracious God of abundance, He is fun, and He made you to do great and mighty things for His kingdom. But Jesus tells us it won't be easy, it will be uncomfortable and inconvenient. "If any person wants to follow me, he must say 'No' to the things he wants. That person must accept the cross (suffering) that is given to him every day, and he must follow me. The person that wants to save his life will lose it. And every person that gives his life for me will save it. It is worth nothing for a person to have the whole world, if he himself is destroyed or lost. —Luke 9:23-25

So why commit? Why not just be lazy? What's our motivation?

To be great. I believe deep down we all want to be really good at something, to be important, remembered, loved, to be more than just enough. I think if we all look deep inside ourselves and we're honest, there's something we really want but don't think we'll ever get. We doubt God's goodness and faithfulness, but we shouldn't. We can have that thing. We can have that great destiny. God promises it.

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." -Jeremiah 29:11

I'm fortunate that my childhood foundation was built on this verse and its still my why to this day. I want the future I hoped for and dreamed of. HE is the way. That emptiness we all feel sometimes, we can make it go away, if we work for it. If Jesus walked in the room right now and said you can have one request, what would it be? How bad do you want it? He's not trying to withhold anything good from you but you have to faith for it. You may have to give something away...time, money, pride, love, forgiveness, what are you holding on to tighter than Jesus? Because it's holding you back. We have to be willing to do the hard things to get to the greatness He has in store for us. So get up, or get on your knees, but somehow move forward in faith. Don't wish for it, work for it!

Bigger than Your Roots

"Our thoughts about how God wants to use us are much too small. I really think that's why sometimes we hesitate to leave our old ways behind., even when we know God is calling us to something greater. What God calls you to leave will pale in comparison to His blessing ahead." -author unknown

Are we afraid of what it would look like to obey? What holds us back from our greatest blessings?

Fear is a root of sin. This means a lot of our sins develop from the feeling of fear. Fear of rejection, disappointment, failure, loss, getting hurt some way or another so we try to control people and situations, we hurt others first, we don't try or do things we know we probably should. Fear keeps us from being obedient and ultimately from the great things God has planned for us.

We all have insecurities and fears about something but we need to train our faith to be bigger than our fears. Our past, background, or even current distractions will not stop God from favoring us. The only true hindrance is disobedience. If you think God can't use you because you're too scared, too insignificant, not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, then hold on because God is about to use you. That's who He wants, who He calls because in our ordinariness, He is extraordinary. Noah was a drunk, Abraham was old, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Gideon was afraid, Rahab was a prostitute, Mary was a teenager, Jesus was a shepherd boy. He qualifies the called, He doesn't call the qualified. What these people have in common is that they didn't let their weaknesses hold them back from doing what God wanted them to do. Despite their sins and their fears, they brought every broken piece to God and He did amazing things in them and through them. He saved the world.

Sometimes I let my kids eat ice cream for dinner. Or on special occasions, I let them eat candy seriously all day long. I think it's important to say yes sometimes to their sweet little dreams because that's what my Father does for me. My 11 year old wants to play Major League baseball. I know the odds but who am I to tell him he won't. God might just say yes. I want their dreams to be big because I want God to be big to them. If we dream small dreams and act and love in small ways, then we aren't giving God the room He needs to our lives to do big things.

We serve a big God so why not ask Him for big things? We think so small. If we can't make sense of it, then it can't happen, it can't be real. But I believe if we really reflect on the moments God has been faithful to us, aren't they unbelievable? I want to think bigger! Deeper, all the way past my roots until every part of me reflects Him. Not because I deserve it but because my God can do it. He's giant and fun and good. If we really, truly, deep down believed that, there would be nothing we couldn't do. With God, nothing is impossible.

Trust the Process

Thoughts from last fall:

This is the perfect time of year for those of us who suffer from lack of self-control. And really, who doesn't suffer from that in some way...eating, shopping, talking, sleeping, social media....whatever your indulgence may be, we all have at least one. Halloween gives us a rough start, tempting us with every sort of candy you can imagine. I have three boys and a hubby with a voracious sweet tooth so Halloween is a challenge readily accepted at our house. As soon as my boys get their buckets full, they empty them into a giant backpack my husband wears and off they go again to refill their buckets. This happens over and over until they're exhausted of running from house to house or their costumes are in shambles, whichever comes first. For better or worse, I allow my boys to eat all the candy they want until its gone (which usually only takes a few days). I'm a firm believer in natural consequences so I figure they might as well just get it out of their systems even if it means being sick. Plus it keeps me from being tempted for weeks on end. KitKats and Reese's have a way of breaking me down. Of course, after Halloween, its downhill from there. Goodies, baking, Thanksgiving Day, then Black Friday which if you've never participated, is pure chaos, holiday parties, shopping, eating and drinking in a never-ending cycle until finally one big crash at New Years where you desperately try to stay awake long enough to feel like you've fully appreciated every moment of the last year with all the joy and thankfulness you can muster but knowing full well that tomorrow when you wake up to a brand new year, you have so many things that you need to do better and somehow magically in a new year you'll find the self-control to do them all.

A lack of self control is the enemy of consistency. I don't know who said that but I think its completely true because I also think the way to success is by being consistent. There are no secrets. You can't become smarter, thinner, debt-free, richer, kinder, prettier overnight. It requires creating a new habit and doing it everyday even when you don't see the rewards. I've exercised and dieted for weeks on end to see no results. And yes, in health, sometimes you need to change things up, a new routine, a different diet, heavier weights, less cardio or more, but without hesitation, I can say training consistently is worth it. Eventually, if you press on, results will come. Trust the process.

Romans 14:22-23 says, "Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice you are acting in way inconsistent with what you believe-some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them-then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

The great news is, God is the best personal trainer. Cultivate a relationship with Him. When you know Him, it makes it easier to hear Him and when you hear Him, it's easier to know what He wants you to do and that's when you'll bear fruit.