All the Feels

I'm certain this season will go down in my history book. It deserves to, because the harder the fight, the more glorious the victory and this has been one heck of a fight. It literally almost took me out; out of my marriage, out of my ministry and most significantly, out of my walk with Jesus. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. Faith is one of my gifts and it comes naturally to me like high metabolism (which I've also abused on occasion) but I guess that's where the enemy got a foothold. I took it for granted. I let my walls down because I thought I was invincible.

Three months ago on the drive home from work, I was on the highway about to exit and I had a thought like I just want to keep going down I-20, never go home and just see where I end up. I told my husband I didn't want to be married anymore. I hated my job. I wanted to runaway. I considered that for the last thirteen years I've done everything God has asked me to. Not that I'm perfect but I've been obedient in the hard moments. You know, the ones that make you want to quit life like getting pregnant at 20 when you aren't married and then staying married when your marriage is legitimately broken and full of resentment, unforgiveness & hopelessness, not to mention alcohol & adultery, when you finish college with two small children at home, when you lose friends not knowing if you'll make new ones, when you pursue career after career with debt piling up, when you keep going to church even though its a fight every single Sunday morning and you don't even know if God notices. Now, I know there are people facing harder battles than these but I believe that whatever battle you face, if it's the hardest one you've faced then its just the hardest one ever. We shouldn't compare even our struggles because, friend, God does notice and He's not comparing, He's cheering us on. Anyways, I woke up one day, and felt like all my obedience should make me feel happier...but it didn't so I didn't want to be obedient anymore. I just wanted to feel better.

I'm not an emotional person. In fact, I hate feelings. They just confuse you, distract you, make you believe things that aren't true. I like facts and rules, and the occasional "calculated" risk. But for some reason, I had all the feelings all at once. They took over my whole being y'all. I literally googled memes that hash tagged "all the feels" and I totally got every single one. Like I'm just screenshot-ing all of them because somehow having them saved on my phone made me feel less crazy?! This desire to feel better was just the beginning of The Battle of 2016. I'm still dealing with the aftermath and honestly I'm not sure if I won or lost yet but I'm confident I will win The War of a Lifetime, my lifetime. I know this because even in my sins(and there have been some huge ones) and in my rebellion, every single day I poured my heart out to God. I yelled and cried, I begged and pleaded, I offered deals and threw huge fits but the point is I kept God in my midst, I kept Him all around me and even when I almost couldn't see Him anymore, I squinted really tight and I fixed my eyes on Jesus. The author and perfecter of my faith. See, God is the best author because He can write things we can never even imagine, far better in fact but His endings are predictable. He is love, He is good, and He is in me so as He writes my story, I become all those things. I have an eternal, gloriously good ending and I don't want to miss it, no matter how I feel.

On Being a Warrior

I'm a warrior. Not because I necessarily want to be but I wasn't given much of a choice. Like Mulan. She's my girl. She gets it. I mean, she kind of had a choice but not really because she couldn't just let her dad go to war to be killed. It was part of her beliefs. That's not who she was and certainly not who she wanted to be so she had to rise up. She had to become a warrior. Am I going to let my marriage fail? Am I going to send my children out unequipped? Will I leave my friends when they need me most? Will I hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, envy? NO! And I don't really have a choice either because that's just not who I am and definitely not who I want to be. It's part of my beliefs.

Maybe there's someone out there though, that just doesn't think they're cut out for the fight. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you don't know what the fight is all about and you think it's pointless. God is love right? We should all get participation trophies in life; do nothing but get rewarded anyways. That's half right. God is love but He also tells us to fight the good fight, run your race, persevere! Whether we want to or not, whether we like it or not, there is a battle going on around us. The enemy absolutely wants to us to become complacent, or self-satisfied because then his job is that much easier. Then God becomes a want, not a need. God is not just an added bonus to this life, He is Life (John 14:6). Maybe you've never experienced a moment where you were lost, broken, grieved, or discouraged and if that's true then you need to be writing a blog or youtubing or something sharing your secrets but I'm willing to bet that if you're real with yourself, you're missing something. You're unsatisfied about something. You long for it, ache for it and crave it. Friend, that's your soul and it needs Jesus. Only He can fill it and only He can save it.

But you'll have to fight for it. You can settle for your ordinary or you can rise up for God's extraordinary. I don't know what that looks like for you, or even for me most days, but I do know that when I reach out for Jesus, that ache becomes an ember and when I fan it with His Word and my prayers, it grows into a fierce fire that compels me to step out in faith. That's when we walk on water, defeat giants, and move mountains. It's also when we feel peace that makes no sense, the greatest joy when we should feel sad, purpose in chaos, forgiveness instead of anger, and wholly loved despite our flaws. I don't want that fruit, I need that fruit and it only comes from Him. The choice then is not about whether to fight at all but about which side you fight for. The side that is looking for victory or the side that has already claimed victory.

I'm a warrior. I'm not looking for victory. I've already found it and I fight from it.

Tribe of Women

^"Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, ⁴ so that they may ^[b]encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored." --Titus 2:3-5

On our journeys, we all have someone further along and someone coming behind us. It's so important that we remember we're all on the same journey - homeward bound-- and not do this alone. We weren't meant to.

I have three boys and I often worry about my middle son because I was afraid he'd develop the "middle child syndrome". I joke truly about this but I do think there's something to be said for birth order and personality types. And having a strong older brother and an outgoing younger brother, I was afraid he'd get lost. But really, he has the best of both worlds. He gets the benefits of being led and learning from mistakes of Noah, my oldest son and he also gets the honor & responsibility of leading Seth, the baby. Both roles are hard. You have to be humble to be led, willing to learn, be broken and then use it for growth. As a leader, you take all the vision and conviction you can muster and pray like crazy you're doing it right, being strong without crushing those in your charge.

You know what, we're all middle kids. We're all learning and growing and we're all leading and being used. Its the toughest, most beautiful struggle. It's why we need Jesus, who is the greatest leader because simultaneously He is also the greatest servant. So there's no need for us to work against each other, we need to work together. We need each other to be the best versions of ourselves. I'm better when I'm surrounded by my sweet sisters in faith. They speak truth and love to me, encourage me that I'm not alone and that I'll make it. We're really all just walking each other home.  

Driver's Education

I work downtown and I live in a smaller town outside of the city. It's about a 30 minute commute to work with traffic, which there almost always is. Yesterday as I was driving to work, a large dump truck moved over into my lane right in front of me. I'm the kind of driver that likes to see around me but this truck was so large I couldn't. Immediately I wanted to change lanes but I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to stay in the lane I was in. To wait. In that moment, God said, "I want you to practice waiting." See, I could've and certainly wanted to move around the truck and get on my way but because I didn't know what was up ahead, the other lanes might not have been a better choice. God reminded me that He alone knows the way and He would make a way for me if I would wait and trust Him. He said that He just needed me to focus on the truck in front of me, that's it,  and just keep moving forward. God is the truck and He wants us to focus on Him, not on everything around us. We think we always need to be moving, looking for the best lane to be in but we don't. We need to listen to our Shepherd who guides us exactly where we need to be. His ways are always higher and better than ours.

The Bible tells us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14
Waiting with God is always purposeful and intentional. If He's not working in the circumstances around you, then He's working in you. There is no insignificant act of obedience. God meets us where we are, even in 8 am traffic. If we'll be willing to listen. He won't let you down.

Then when the timing is right, He'll bless your move. At first, cars were passing me by but after a few seconds, we began passing the other cars in both lanes. Then after I was obedient and God showed me what He needed me to know, He let me change lanes and move. Any move we make that's of our own abilities can land us in a wreck, with a flat, with a speeding ticket, or at the very least missing out on a really special moment that builds something great in us. My morning may have been completely typical if I hadn't listened and just went on my way, maybe nothing bad would have happened. I don't know about y'all but I don't want typical. I don't want boring. I don't want to settle for my good enough when I can have His best. I want fun, amazing, inspiring, encouraging, awesome moments with the Creator of the Universe who also happens to be my friend. And by the way, He's worth the wait.

Don't wish for it, work for it!

We are such an uncommitted group of people. Our culture, society, generation, whatever word you want to use to classify us, we're just not loyal to anything. We don't commit to a spouse, to a work out routine, a diet, a friendship, a bible study, a prayer time, disciplining our children, a church and then we wonder why we never see results. God's Word says "Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and He will act" and "Love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength." We don't like to feel uncomfortable. All these talks about participation awards are really because people are lazier than others but they think they should get rewarded just for trying. Like good intentions smeared with love are just as good as love in action. They aren't. Love is hard, not easy. It's easy to say you love someone but showing them that love is almost impossible. Loving like Jesus is something we'll spend our whole lives trying to do and still never understand it. Love in action is giving to someone you don't think deserves it, it's standing next to your spouse when they've broken your heart, its giving boundaries to your children even when they throw a fit because it teaches them obedience not just to their dad but their Father in Heaven. It's offering forgiveness when you haven't received the apology you wanted. It's laying your life down, reaching out, giving away all that you have, not because any one of us deserve it but because God loves us that much and if we're so filled up with Him, we can't help but give some of that lavish love away. To the extent that you receive His love, will be the extent that you can give it away. Believe that God loves you, He is for you, He has a plan for your life to prosper you, give you hope, He knows every word before you speak it, He uses all of your sins for good. He's a gracious God of abundance, He is fun, and He made you to do great and mighty things for His kingdom. But Jesus tells us it won't be easy, it will be uncomfortable and inconvenient. "If any person wants to follow me, he must say 'No' to the things he wants. That person must accept the cross (suffering) that is given to him every day, and he must follow me. The person that wants to save his life will lose it. And every person that gives his life for me will save it. It is worth nothing for a person to have the whole world, if he himself is destroyed or lost. —Luke 9:23-25

So why commit? Why not just be lazy? What's our motivation?

To be great. I believe deep down we all want to be really good at something, to be important, remembered, loved, to be more than just enough. I think if we all look deep inside ourselves and we're honest, there's something we really want but don't think we'll ever get. We doubt God's goodness and faithfulness, but we shouldn't. We can have that thing. We can have that great destiny. God promises it.

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." -Jeremiah 29:11

I'm fortunate that my childhood foundation was built on this verse and its still my why to this day. I want the future I hoped for and dreamed of. HE is the way. That emptiness we all feel sometimes, we can make it go away, if we work for it. If Jesus walked in the room right now and said you can have one request, what would it be? How bad do you want it? He's not trying to withhold anything good from you but you have to faith for it. You may have to give something away...time, money, pride, love, forgiveness, what are you holding on to tighter than Jesus? Because it's holding you back. We have to be willing to do the hard things to get to the greatness He has in store for us. So get up, or get on your knees, but somehow move forward in faith. Don't wish for it, work for it!

Bigger than Your Roots

"Our thoughts about how God wants to use us are much too small. I really think that's why sometimes we hesitate to leave our old ways behind., even when we know God is calling us to something greater. What God calls you to leave will pale in comparison to His blessing ahead." -author unknown

Are we afraid of what it would look like to obey? What holds us back from our greatest blessings?

Fear is a root of sin. This means a lot of our sins develop from the feeling of fear. Fear of rejection, disappointment, failure, loss, getting hurt some way or another so we try to control people and situations, we hurt others first, we don't try or do things we know we probably should. Fear keeps us from being obedient and ultimately from the great things God has planned for us.

We all have insecurities and fears about something but we need to train our faith to be bigger than our fears. Our past, background, or even current distractions will not stop God from favoring us. The only true hindrance is disobedience. If you think God can't use you because you're too scared, too insignificant, not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, then hold on because God is about to use you. That's who He wants, who He calls because in our ordinariness, He is extraordinary. Noah was a drunk, Abraham was old, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Gideon was afraid, Rahab was a prostitute, Mary was a teenager, Jesus was a shepherd boy. He qualifies the called, He doesn't call the qualified. What these people have in common is that they didn't let their weaknesses hold them back from doing what God wanted them to do. Despite their sins and their fears, they brought every broken piece to God and He did amazing things in them and through them. He saved the world.

Sometimes I let my kids eat ice cream for dinner. Or on special occasions, I let them eat candy seriously all day long. I think it's important to say yes sometimes to their sweet little dreams because that's what my Father does for me. My 11 year old wants to play Major League baseball. I know the odds but who am I to tell him he won't. God might just say yes. I want their dreams to be big because I want God to be big to them. If we dream small dreams and act and love in small ways, then we aren't giving God the room He needs to our lives to do big things.

We serve a big God so why not ask Him for big things? We think so small. If we can't make sense of it, then it can't happen, it can't be real. But I believe if we really reflect on the moments God has been faithful to us, aren't they unbelievable? I want to think bigger! Deeper, all the way past my roots until every part of me reflects Him. Not because I deserve it but because my God can do it. He's giant and fun and good. If we really, truly, deep down believed that, there would be nothing we couldn't do. With God, nothing is impossible.

Trust the Process

Thoughts from last fall:

This is the perfect time of year for those of us who suffer from lack of self-control. And really, who doesn't suffer from that in some way...eating, shopping, talking, sleeping, social media....whatever your indulgence may be, we all have at least one. Halloween gives us a rough start, tempting us with every sort of candy you can imagine. I have three boys and a hubby with a voracious sweet tooth so Halloween is a challenge readily accepted at our house. As soon as my boys get their buckets full, they empty them into a giant backpack my husband wears and off they go again to refill their buckets. This happens over and over until they're exhausted of running from house to house or their costumes are in shambles, whichever comes first. For better or worse, I allow my boys to eat all the candy they want until its gone (which usually only takes a few days). I'm a firm believer in natural consequences so I figure they might as well just get it out of their systems even if it means being sick. Plus it keeps me from being tempted for weeks on end. KitKats and Reese's have a way of breaking me down. Of course, after Halloween, its downhill from there. Goodies, baking, Thanksgiving Day, then Black Friday which if you've never participated, is pure chaos, holiday parties, shopping, eating and drinking in a never-ending cycle until finally one big crash at New Years where you desperately try to stay awake long enough to feel like you've fully appreciated every moment of the last year with all the joy and thankfulness you can muster but knowing full well that tomorrow when you wake up to a brand new year, you have so many things that you need to do better and somehow magically in a new year you'll find the self-control to do them all.

A lack of self control is the enemy of consistency. I don't know who said that but I think its completely true because I also think the way to success is by being consistent. There are no secrets. You can't become smarter, thinner, debt-free, richer, kinder, prettier overnight. It requires creating a new habit and doing it everyday even when you don't see the rewards. I've exercised and dieted for weeks on end to see no results. And yes, in health, sometimes you need to change things up, a new routine, a different diet, heavier weights, less cardio or more, but without hesitation, I can say training consistently is worth it. Eventually, if you press on, results will come. Trust the process.

Romans 14:22-23 says, "Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice you are acting in way inconsistent with what you believe-some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them-then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

The great news is, God is the best personal trainer. Cultivate a relationship with Him. When you know Him, it makes it easier to hear Him and when you hear Him, it's easier to know what He wants you to do and that's when you'll bear fruit.

EnCOURAGEment

Most days I go to the gym on my lunch break but sometimes I run along the river near downtown, where I work. I typically have a workout buddy but this one day I didn't and I felt like God told me to run. So I did. I was jamming out to worship music like I typically would . I ran by this tree that is planted near the river and God said stop at this tree until the song you're listening to is over. I did. I waited thinking something miraculous might happen or God would enlighten me with some great knowledge. It didn't. He didn't. OK....When the song was over I continued on my way and went back to work. Nothing "special" happened immediately from that choice to obey. And please know, I am not always obedient. This doesn't happen to me everyday but it was a simple yet special moment when I was and God used it. He will for you too, friend.

Later that afternoon, I received a text. It was from a woman who used to be one of my best friends but our season ended. Not for any particular reason; we were just great friends and then we weren't. That's all and that's it sometimes. Nonetheless, I had prayed for this friend and for our relationship for over a year, that it might have healing...maybe restoration. In her text, she apologized, asked my forgiveness and told me she cared for me and hoped I was doing well. Wow y'all!

These two events seem unrelated but I am convinced they are. See, while I chose to stand by that tree, I wasn't just standing by a random tree. God asked me to stand by that tree for a specific time and I did. That's obedience. It was about listening to Him and doing what He asked me to do, no matter how crazy, silly, scary or weird it felt. In turn, He opened a door I couldn't open. Sometimes God is waiting on us to take that first step. He's giving us directions, are we listening? Our finite minds think if I stand by a tree, something related to the tree or outdoors has to happen, nothing else, but God works in realms and times we can't possibly comprehend.  He can cause the sun to stand still, walls to fall, the dead to rise, the blind to see, He can harden hearts and He can soften them...even enough to send a friendship healing text on a random Tuesday afternoon. There is nothing He cannot do. The victory is always His but He allows us to reap in the rewards whether earthly or eternal. We have His power within us and it's a shame when we don't have enough courage to use it.

Courage is strength or power to deal with fear. We all have a fear of something but God is the strength of our hearts. Be brave in your obedience. If you feel that nudge, go for it. If you think a kind thought about someone, say it. If you know a helpful truth, share it. If you have a life changing love, give it. And if you hear that still, small voice, follow it. You cannot imagine the amazing things that will happen when you do.

Blizzard Meltdown

I started this 12 week weight lifting program back at the first of January and I'm exactly half way through it. I workout 6-7 days a week, I count my macros and log all my food. It's exhausting most days. However, I've made progress, the numbers prove it. I've lost a clothing size, 3% body fat, I think I can see a shadow of my abs (I may still be dreaming on that one but I'm hopeful). Nonetheless, I had a moment this past weekend where no matter the truth, every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was how far I still had to go, how much I hadn't accomplished yet, all the food I wasn't eating (Bread-I still love you!) . I was mad so I sent my husband to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. I ate it in about 5 minutes on the floor in my closet while I prayed....and cried.

I wasn't just eating a Blizzard, the most mouthwatering amazing ice cream concoction ever created, but I was also experiencing a spiritual blizzard. Drop by my pity party for just a moment... I get in my closet to pray most every morning, I journal, read my bible, host studies and mentor other girls, I'm in a life group and I serve at church when I can. I ask God to use me everyday, no I beg Him actually (and come to think of it, this may just be Him telling me to hush like I do my children when they beg for something, except I know my Father is much more gracious than I). These are things we're supposed to do, things that most days truly fulfill me but every now and then, the enemy wins and he convinces you his lies are truth. That you don't matter, God will never use you and He certainly doesn't care about the everyday choices that you make. Dear One, if this is a current lie the devil is telling you, please hear me....God deeply cares about every.single.choice. you make. He honors your obedience and He sees and loves you more than anything. That's truth-hang on to it! Anyway, so the same moment I'm eating this ice cream, Indian style on the floor with tears in my eyes, I tell God just how much I want to quit and ask Him if He's worth it.

 

Will You ever answer some of my prayers? Why does this life have to be so hard? Where are you?

God reminded me of the time Jesus prayed to His Father in the garden before His death. He asked God if there be any other way but death. What if Jesus didn't say, "Your will be done"? What if He said, "Dad, I've been with these people over 30 years and I don't think they're worth it." And what if God said ok. What if when Jesus bearing the cross and all of MY sins, YOUR sins, gave up? I can't even imagine the weight. On the way up that hill, Jesus carrying his cross, dropped it from exhaustion and pain. Joseph was told to carry it the rest of the way for him but what if Jesus had quit right then and there. What if He didn't finish His race, denied us and left us to reconcile our own sins. No Easter, no resurrection, no eternal life, no grace or forgiveness, no hope and no love.

Thank you Jesus, that You aren't a quitter. Praise God, Your will be done and not mine. I am weak, my flesh fails, I'm scared and doubtful. You, Lord, are the only good thing in me. If anyone in the history of ever, should've quit, it should've been Jesus. No one would have thought less of Him but maybe no one would've thought more of Him. That's what makes Him so special isn't it?! His great love. He loves you, and me, so much that He didn't quit. Not then, not now, He pursues us still.

I'll probably never be asked to lay down my life the way Jesus did but I am invited everyday to pick up my cross and follow Him. Some days I don't know if its worth it. But I believe God's Word and I'm compelled to follow it because there's something about that great love...I need it like I need air to breathe. Because if Jesus so obediently died for that love, surely I can live for it?!

I will eat more real Blizzards and encounter more hypothetical ones because this side of Heaven is absolutely dreadful some days. That's ok. Jesus knows it is too and He intercedes for us to the Father. So eat a big blizzard, cry big tears but don't quit. Thank God, Jesus didn't.

Stay in the Game

At my son's baseball game, I watch the pitcher as he struggles. No outs, bases loaded and he feels the pressure to fix it, to do better, to save the moment...win the game. With every pitch he looks to the coach begging with scared eyes to be pulled from the mound. But his coach won't pull him out, instead he tells him you can do it and you have to learn to push through these tough moments.

 

That's when I heard God. When I feel the pressure to do more, to be better and I want to give up, not because I can't do a thing but because I just don't want to. It's these moments though that make us stronger, wiser, better. I don't always understand why when it seems there has to be someone better equipped but He's leaving me in the game anyways. Deep down I know its not about this one game, about getting the win. It's about me and Him, about my character and our relationship. Glory to glory. I want to win the game but if I don't, He'll be just as proud of me. I'll have learned a little more about who I am and a lot more about who God is.

 

God allows us to go through difficult circumstances to change and prepare us. To need Him so desperately and intensely that nothing else will satisfy that longing. This challenges us to reach the next glory and become mature, lacking nothing. Learning to yield to His voice, His Spirit within us positions us for action and for the next promotion. God doesn't care as much about your circumstances as much as He cares about your character. Until we have proven we can be trusted with little, He won't give us any more. I can't be the starting pitcher if I can't handle one inning.

 

Father God, forgive me for my doubt and laziness, for not wanting to try harder when I know I can because I'm scared of failing. You deserve the best version of me! Help me Lord to not only hear your voice but to follow it completely. Make me brave for the blessings you have for me and make me worthy of the calling I have received according to your perfect will. Thank you for loving me enough to not only have a great plan for my life but for helping me through it all. I love you! Amen.

War Room Confession #1

If you've read my previous posts then you know I love the movie, War Room. I love inspirational movies, all of them, but I love this one especially because its applicable. You can pray for your spouse and actually see change in your marriage.

Of course, for theatrical purposes and time sake, it seems as if she prays like for a week and then boom! her hubby is a completely God-loving, praying, led by the Spirit, family man. Now I'm not saying God can't or won't work that quickly, His timing is not even close to ours, but in my experience that hasn't been the case. It's been more of a never-ending, on your knees, weeping, laughing, fit-throwing, begging, completely amazed, cycle of whys and thank yous. I've been married ten years (happy heart eyes emoji) and I've been married ten years (furrowed brows with chin scratching emoji) so take this all with a grain of salt but I think if we could see War Room played out in real life, we would see so much more time go by where it seems as if God isn't doing anything. Oh the stories I could tell of the first five years of our relationship! It could fill a whole season of Law & Order I'm sure. We were mean to each other, we walked away, we yelled, we broke things especially each others' hearts, we almost got divorced, probably once a month (lol, but really). You feel utterly alone and embarrassed that you're failing. But the reality of it is, every marriage out there, if you've made it very long, has these seasons. Unfortunately, there isn't just one either. It may not always be WWE Smackdown but there will always be struggles.

In marriage counseling one time, our pastor told us that no marriage can succeed without appropriate friendships. What that means is friendships with other married couples, who are experiencing some of the same life goals and issues that you are. So when the going gets tough, you have encouragement, wisdom and truth if you need it. You also need other godly women who can pray with you and for you, that cheer you on and comfort you. Feeling isolated in a struggling relationship is one of the saddest and scariest feelings. Dear one, if you're in this season now, don't give up. Reach out. Or pray for God to bring you someone to speak life back into you and your marriage. He wants your marriage to work more than you do and He will show up. He will provide. He will restore. Being a Christian woman does not make you powerless. You lead by example. You have authority over your spouse on a spiritual level. I've never been the type to fully embrace the "submit" part of the marriage verses but God has shown me over many icky seasons that I'm not submitting to my husband necessarily, I'm submitting to Him. There is power in my obedience to the Lord. That's when I quit trying to change my husband and God steps in and changes him for me like only He can.

Get your war room ready and spend time in it. Be brave. God is big and He can do big things. Expect that! And FYI, if you haven't walked around your house praying out loud like a crazy person, rebuking the enemy and claiming scripture over your home, then you haven't tried everything yet!

My current "war room"

Train Your Heart

Compassion and mercy are not my strong suits. Seriously. I scored so low on them on my spiritual gifts test. I've always known that but somehow seeing your weaknesses on paper really cuts deep. One day my oldest son Noah told me, sarcastically, "Mom, you need to show love better. You're not very good at it."  Well if the low score didn't confirm it, getting majorly called out by my 10 year old certainly did. C'mon, of course I love people. I am just so honest, I keep it a little too real sometimes and I forget that other people, not only don't like it, but don't respond well to it. I don't want to be that wife, or mom or friend. That's not who I think I am, its definitely not who I want to be. I need to get my actions to match my words. Where's my follow though?!

So, I prayed about it. At first I argued, "that's just me" and God made me this way so its fine. Then I thought, I need to learn everyone's love languages that I know and learn to love them their way. Both of these thoughts are not wrong but the trick, God showed me, was combining them. Me and my gifts include having a strong vision to constantly push forward and to feel strongly convicted about, well, everything. These are me, and they are good qualities, gifts that God gave me with a great purpose. But I understand 1 Corinthians 13 now more than ever. Gifts without love are nothing. I prayed a lot on this. That God would give me wisdom for truth, that I would love others the way that He does and see them through His eyes and not mine. Then I prayed for opportunities to speak truth in love. He brought me friends searching for advice and prayers or maybe just a random text that He showed me was a divine appointment to be used by Him, to speak life. God also gave me the idea to send notes to some friends just simply telling them how great I think they are and that they are loved, encouraging them, praying for them. I called it Pass the Love. My goal was to be more intentional about saying the positive things I think. I want to speak life into my relationships. The world tells us all the time that we aren't good enough. We need more love spoken. We should never underestimate the power of encouragement. Or God's ability to use our tiny choices of obedience to bless someone. He gives us the words and the timing. God is crazy y'all! and I love that about Him. He's spontaneous and fun but always with purpose and never wasteful.

I want to be intentional like God. So I have to work out that muscle just like I would at the gym. If you want a specific muscle to grow, you have to push it, intentionally use it, break it down and build it back up and that's when it gets stronger. "{Watch over} your heart for everything you do flows from it" Proverbs 4:23 Train it. God is the best personal trainer. He gives help when we ask, He pushes us to more, he also gives rest and no one, friend, loves better than Jesus. He gave His life for you.

Tip: One prayer I pray everyday is to love God more. That simple. Mind blowing right?! I learned this from Beth Moore. But truly, because if I'm filled up with Him, it will overflow onto everyone around me. He is all I need. The more focused I am on Him, the more everything else just falls into place. I'll have love to give abundantly. I can learn to love better because apparently I'm not that good at it. Yet.

Valleys Create Opportunities

There’s been a significant drop in prices in the oil & gas industry, which is my current career, so of course there’s lots of talk about what that means for the consumer and for oil and gas companies. In a department meeting we had a few weeks ago, my manager said, “Valleys create opportunities.” Right then, there was a quickening in my spirit. Yes they do! I thought that’s not just true of business, that’s true of life, of relationships, of our spiritual walk with Christ.

We all walk through valleys. It’s just a part of life on this side of Heaven. Some valleys are awful, scary and all we can do is just keep breathing; other valleys aren’t as breath taking but still hard and usually painful in some way.  I Peter 1:6-7 says we suffer grief and go through trials of all kinds so that our faith is proved genuine. These trials strengthen our faith so that we may become the people Jesus wants us to be. It’s not easy to walk through these valleys and often we don’t think we’ll make it but when we can’t, that’s when God can. It’s allowing God to get us through these trials that strengthens our faith in Him. Suffering alone doesn’t gain us anything and it doesn’t make God happy either. He wants us to lean on Him. Give Him your weakness and He’ll give you His strength. His Word promises this.

My oldest son had to have surgery on his kidney a year ago today. The urethral tube leaving his kidney wasn’t filtering properly and caused his kidney to swell which in turn caused vomiting. I should also mention that Noah has anxiety, he’s an over-thinker, and he worries about dying a lot even though he’s saved and believes he’s going to heaven. So for him, going through this surgery felt very scary, it was like facing death in a way. It meant pain, discomfort and the worst part, no baseball for a month. This boy has been playing ball for over 6 years and a month off for him would be eternity. I’d say for a 10 year old boy this was quite a valley. I immediately began praying for the opportunity this would create. I prayed that God would show up big for Noah and instead of thinking about death and fear which is what Satan is counting on, I prayed this would be a beautiful moment where Noah sees what God can really do when you trust Him. “Anyone who meets a testing challenge head on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” (James 1:12) Oh how I hope my sons would be loyally in love with God and be rewarded with life! That’s a challenge worth accepting. The first night after Noah’s surgery was tough. He was in a lot of pain and he had a catheter and he hates those so we were up almost every hour. He would push back the tears and try to be tough, and so would I. He looked at me in the middle of that night and said, “Mommy I prayed that God would help me and I hope that He will.” Baby boy, He already has and He’s here right now. This is just the beginning. That’s just the thing isn’t it? That’s the opportunity, to see Jesus, to know Him more and learn to really trust Him. My greatest valleys didn’t just prove my faith genuine, but my marriage, my friendships, my finances. When those things are lined up with God’s will, that’s when you flourish. That’s where real joy is! My mom said to me in the hospital, “Noah is an amazing ball player even with these health issues. Can you imagine how much greater he might be after he’s healed?” Maybe he will be better. Even if he’s not, even if he’s worse; in Noah’s ten year old valley, he sought God and he found Him.

It also happens to be his birthday and so I was reflecting on his life and I was reminded of a time when Noah was only seven. I got frustrated with him because of his anxiety. He’s always questioning everything; not to be disrespectful but because he’s afraid he’ll do the wrong thing. He’ll wonder if his coach really said to wear the red shirt instead of the blue one and ask to see the text from him. He’ll be upset if we’re only 20 minutes early instead of 30. If it doesn’t make sense to him, he doesn’t trust it. These doubts happened every day when he was younger and one day I finally looked at him and said, “I’ve been taking care of you since you were in my tummy, I’ve been loving you since before you were born and everything I do is for you. Why don’t you trust me?! I love you and I’m not going to stop!” Right then, God said, “Darbi, do you hear me?!” The sounds were coming out of my mouth but the words were God’s. Y’all, God loves you and He’s never going to stop. He wants the very best for you even in the valleys, especially in the valleys. Opportunity is defined as a set of circumstances that make it possible to do something. When I think about the valleys of life, I don’t automatically think “Yay! What an opportunity!” But, maybe I should. Maybe the next valley is the greatest opportunity of my life.

Difficult Soul

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5:17-18

 

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But when I read these verses I know I'm not. Every day that I pick up my cross and seek to take another step towards the calling of my Savior, I can be sure that Satan is right behind me, trying to trip me, reminding me of my failures and stealing my joy. The enemy comes at me like my favorite cheat meal after a month of clean eating and hard training. He knows what my flesh craves and brings it to me in a perfect bow. But, because I have the full armor of God I can fight my daily battle knowing the war has already been won.

 

Some days are just tough. Some days this Jesus life almost doesn't seem worth it. Some days I don't know if God will keep His promises. My soul aches with these concerns but the Spirit in me is stronger. I beg God everyday that His Spirit in me be louder than any other voice.

 

When my strength isn't' enough, let me tap into Yours, Lord. When my heart, mind and soul turn against me, keep calling me. Don't give up on me. Give me a new day to fight and to be more than a conqueror in You. Amen!

 

 

 

 

Confident Women

Confidence is the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust; conviction. I've been thinking a lot about confidence and how it looks different on everyone. Primarily I'm talking about women because that's my heart. We're all more or less confident about certain things because we all have different gifts, passions, ideas, etc. but so many women lack a general confidence. I believe the root of that is trust. Who do you trust? Your husband, parents, a good friend? What about God...do you trust Him? Not just that He exists or is in control of everything but do you trust His goodness, His plan for your life, His Word if you even read it, do you trust that He not only hears your prayers but answers them? There's a big difference between faith and trust. And you can't really trust someone you don't know.

I'm going to throw this statement out there: I love women! Now hold on, don't freak out. Not in a awkward-like does my husband know-kind of way but like I think women are the most fabulous, fun, creative, soul mates there are. We're strong and wise and beautiful in every kind of way you can't even imagine. I think when women come together, it's a glimpse of heaven; everyone using their gifts in a unique for a great purpose of giving a greater God glory. The enemy wants to convince us we need to compete against one another but it's a lie. The more we build each other up, the stronger we all get. I've seen it. I live it in my friendships that I prayed years for. When you get a taste of a truly godly friendship, I promise you'll be addicted and you won't look back once at whatever you left behind.

I've met so many women who are looking for friendships that encourage and inspire. That build you up, not tear you down. It is possible. My soul sister, Angel & I started SEEK, a women's group that meets twice a month at my house, last fall. Our only goal was to maintain an honesty about life while pursuing Jesus with everything we've got. We cry together, laugh together, its mostly love with small doses of truth dabbled about. We keep it real, we study the Bible, we pray together and definitely eat together. The best part, God. always. shows. up.

We'll begin spring 2016 SEEK soon and I'm going into it with a fervent passion to unite more women to love Jesus more than anything else in their life because I believe when they do, everything else will just fall into place. We all need a support system to teach, to guide, to push, to pull back, to remind us who God is and that He's worth the struggles of this life. Together, as we learn to trust deeper, we'll gain more confidence to be better wives, mothers, friends, co-workers, and Jesus followers.

  This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
⁶ That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
    they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
    in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
    and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it?

¹⁰ “I the Lord search the heart
    and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
    according to what their deeds deserve.”

Jeremiah 17: 5-10

 

 

Lego Sacrifice

I think most people know what Legos are. They've been around forever so even if you don't have children or don't have children that play with Legos, maybe you did when you were young or you have friends with kids or nieces/nephews that enjoy them. I have three boys so Legos are a staple at our house. There are so many. I like to keep them sorted with their coordinating instructions but inevitably they all end up mixed together in one giant box (it's not a battle I choose to fight). For this Type A mama, their chaos makes me a little crazy but I must admit they are a pretty cool toy. For the simple reason that you can just sit down at any age and just start building something. Anything you want. You can make it up as you go. If you don't' know what I'm talking about here's how it goes at our house: first, you build a wall, then a house, then it becomes a castle and bad guys are storming it with swords, then you break a piece off and fly away in your jet that gets shot down and turns into a car and you have a race that ends in a crash. This all happens in about 30 seconds. Also, at some point, my child will look at what I'm building and say "Hey where did you get that piece? I need it. Can I have it?"
At the start of this year, I asked God for a word and He gave me build, along with invest. They go together really. Anything you're building, you're really also investing in. If not time and money, for sure prayers and thoughts. As I've been praying about the things I should be building this year, God leaned over and said, "Hey! Are you using that piece? I need it. Can I have it?" It was a dream I was holding on to, an idea of something that I wanted to build myself and I hadn't let it go. Sometimes God asks us to make a sacrifice, not because He wants to take something away from us but because He has something better to give us. We all have something we're desperately clinging to. For me, it was ultimately fear. Fear that God isn't good, that if I really give Him my deepest desire, He'll leave me empty-handed. I was so afraid I would miss my calling, that I had made too many wrong decisions for God to ever use me and He would never do the things He told me He would. Maybe for you its a job, its financial freedom, its walking away from a group of friends that you know you shouldn't be spending so much time with, maybe its a spouse or at least a happy marriage, or maybe a baby-forget boy or girl, maybe it's your health or a broken relationship you want restored. I've begged God, pleaded with Him and thought if I kept it tucked away and prayed hard enough, He would give me what I wanted. Prayer is effective! Amen! So I'm not saying don't pray about it. Absolutely pray, without ceasing about all things. But what I am saying is ask God what He wants you to lay down at his feet. Is it fear, envy, pride, selfishness, doubt, anger? Maybe it's something good. There's nothing wrong with some of our dreams but when they get us stuck, it can be pretty hard to get moving again. Friend, that piece you're holding on to, is keeping you from the greatest adventure. Pray. Get in His word. Talk to a friend. Then next time God leans in and asks you for that one piece, give it to Him! You may end up building a house, or a castle, fighting with swords, flying a jet, driving a race car, or, God bless it, doing all of it. And even if you do nothing, you'll be doing it with your Good Father who is absolutely trustworthy and loves you deeply.

Hebrews 11:17-19  

¹⁷  It was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice when God was testing him. Abraham, who had received God’s promises, was ready to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, ¹⁸ even though God had told him, “Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted.”^{[a] 19} Abraham reasoned that if Isaac died, God was able to bring him back to life again. And in a sense, Abraham did receive his son back from the dead.

For Abraham's full story read Genesis 22.

Break Me

Have you ever prayed a "break me" prayer? Well, I have. I do often, in fact. I don't always know what I'm asking for when I pray for it so it's a little different every time. Lately, as I ask for brokenness, He's showing me that I already am. I have been since I was formed in the womb. We all are. So when I ask to be broken, I'm really asking for Him to just show me the ways that I am broken. "Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts."
Yikes! The God of the whole universe is going to test me?! That can seem scary but I've done it enough times now to know that I always am better for it because He keeps His promise to work all things for good. And I'm the kind of person that likes a challenge. I'm competitive by nature. With others and with myself. It's why I love lifting weights. The breaking down to build back up. I crave the brokenness. Some days it is exhausting and painful (one reason why rest is equally important but that's another topic). When I say I like a challenge, I also like dares. I'm stubborn that way. Tell me I can't, and I certainly will. Something my husband has yet to find endearing about me. But it pushes me to greater things. See, people say God never gives us more than we can handle, but in my experience, He absolutely does. So that we'll need Him, so He can show us how great He is. Every difficult moment of my life, every sin, spurred me on to become a better version of myself because it made me look up, not within. I can do all things in Christ and nothing apart from Him. It sounds so simple, but I know first hand that it's not. Which is leads me right back to why I've prayed the "break me" prayer over and over again. All I know for sure, is that every time I'm broken, somehow I know Him more and I love Him more. Praise God, He is my personal trainer and He's the absolute best! I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a trainer that told me, "Sure! Have all the cheat meals you want. Don't worry about lifting those weights if they're too heavy. You probably couldn't do it anyways." No way. I want someone who already sees the best version of me and urges me to see it too. Don't wish for it, work for it. Sometimes you need encouragement, but sometimes you need tough love. Thank God, He knows exactly what we need when we need it. I pray I'm less afraid of hard work and more afraid of never trying. I pray I'm brave in my brokenness. Even if I'm on my knees, I'll keep looking up, especially when I'm on my knees. So if you're there currently, believe with your whole heart, God is about to push you to the next level and it is not for the faint of heart but it is a glory worth striving for. The enemy knows our strengths and weaknesses too; discouragement is one of his most powerful tools because if Satan can convince us we can't then the great thing you want to do, that stirring deep down in your heart that you're meant for something amazing-a great destiny-it will never happen. God never gets the glory and you never know His best. Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. God made you in His image to do good things by the mighty power of His Spirit that works deeply within you.

Lord, give me more than I can handle so I can see what You can handle. Break me, and build me back to the best version of myself that I might live a worthy life loving You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Choose Love

I made several commitments to the Lord for 2016 of things I am going to work on. One of them was loving my husband better. Now talk about your New Year's resolutions that'll never make it, this has to be at the top of the list. I've been married over ten years and I'll tell you, choosing to love your spouse everyday is hard, practically impossible, especially without God, and if I'm just being honest, some days I flat out just don't want to. So to kick myself into gear, I watched War Room. Beware, if you haven't seen it, you will be called out. If not by the Holy Spirit or Priscilla Shirer, then for sure your hubby, if he's watching too. Then I got serious about adding scripture to my "war room" and wrote out a specific prayer for Michael along with a few happy pictures of us. I even filled up my desk at work, that's how much spurring I need currently. Not everyday I feel the effectiveness of my prayers but I give it to God anyways.
Then, last night, I had a dream. Michael was sleeping in bed and his mother came over. She was yelling at him, telling him all the things he had done wrong, how he had hurt her and finally told him, "and this is why you don't deserve to be a father." I looked at Michael waiting for him to react harshly, out of anger, which would be more typical in real life but he didn't. He began weeping. At that moment something in me stirred. I pointed to the door and told her to get out. I said, "You don't get to say that to him, you broke him, you made him this way and now you're done. Get out!" All the while I'm backing her towards the door, first out of the bedroom then all the way to the front door.   Before she stepped out of the house, I finally told her, "You were supposed to choose love but you chose hate instead. You were supposed to choose love, choose love!"
I woke up thinking about brokenness. The dream is not about my mother-in-law, not even a little. It was God giving me a glimpse of Michael's hurt, his pain that he carries when I wonder why he is the way he is. He's broken, we all are. But, thank you Jesus, when we choose love like he did for us on that cross, we get victory over the enemy. We need people in our lives that choose love when we can't and help us kick that enemy right out of our homes, and our hearts. There just isn't room for Satan's lies and Christ's love. His love is far too wide, and long, and high and deep.
I choose to love Michael because God loves Michael. Because Jesus died for him too. I can't be selfish with that abundant, selfless sin-bearing love. I have to give it away. Pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, poured into the laps of every needy sinner, especially mine. I ask God to help me see Michael the way He does and He did that for me in my dream. Thankfully, I was able to back that hate right out of our lives. God showed me that when my confidence is in Him, when I give Him all the broken pieces, it's then that I can tap into Christ's love and boldly fight for my marriage, my family, my thoughts and dreams. So I hope dreams come true. They do when they're God's dreams for us. I pray I choose love when I'm awake as much as I did asleep.

Unleashed Glee

I like to run. I think God does too because He's always with me when I go. Last weekend I went running and usually I take our dog, Gauge, because a) he loves it and b) he's super energetic and stays in a kennel seven hours a day. As you can imagine, he wants to just run as fast and as long as he can, but of course, for his safety I usually can't allow him to do that (see pic on the left). Also, squirrels and birds would get the best of him and he's a little skittish of cars when they speed by, and there's also the problem of how he doesn't know which way to go. Because I completely understand his desire to run freely, my body longs for the same thing sometimes, I feel sorry for him, so as I remind myself all the reasons why I have to leave him on the leash, God spoke to me. He told me, "Darbi, you're Gauge. You're a dog on a leash. I know the desire you have to do great, big things, to run and not stop but, my dear, you don't know the way. You don't know the dangerous things heading your way that I can protect you from if you'll listen. You might not care about squirrels or birds but what about envy, apps on your phone, shopping, chasing the next promotion, don't they distract you? Would you chase them if I let you? I need you to learn to hear my voice above all else and to wholly trust me."
As we kept running, we got to a gated field and I let Gauge off his leash (see pic on the right). He could run fast, slow, stop and smell anything he wanted, he had complete freedom in that field. After a season of training, of learning to trust, to obey, God takes us to a season of blessing where we can run with unleashed glee. When we pursue Him, we find ourselves wanting His desires for us and they are far greater than anything we ever requested or imagined. God's plans are better than my dreams. Anything less just robs me of His best. We can fully embrace those abundant seasons when we know they're a gift from God.
I'm currently in a season of waiting on God. I'm on a leash. And I have a few friends who are in the field running with that unleashed glee that I long for. The flesh part of me wants to feel jealous and frustrated. But as I learn to be obedient to God, I choose to cultivate a heart of thankfulness for their season while I wait for mine. I want to pray for them and share in their joy. They would do the same for me. And because when I get off that leash, I want to run, to sprint, with my whole heart, and not grow weary. I want to truly enjoy all that God has in store for me. My strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord.
Not to mention, at some point, we get put back on the leash for another season of growing. This is the absolute joy of being in a relationship with Jesus. He doesn't need us. He loves us and chooses to use us to carry out His good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2) I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss a thing, leash or no leash!

Vision Board 2016

Last Friday evening, I made my 4th annual vision board and had my 2nd annual vision board party. If you've never done a vision board, you have to! That's just it. It has made a huge impact on my life ever year that I've done and my life has changed significantly more than any year I didn't do one. The boards are't themselves magic or especially powerful. They're just plain posterboard with magazine clippings glued all over them. Sometimes scripture, or pics of specific items are added but all in all, they're really a mess to anyone else but the creator.

If you're wondering what a vision board is, its a $.99 posterboard from Wal-Mart thoughtfully covered in clippings from the fifty or so magazines myself and friends saved over the last year, it's also verse images printed off (check out the YouVersion Bible App for creating fun verse images of your favorite scriptures) or pictures of family (you see and my handsome hubby at the bottom) or inspiring people ( see Nikki Blacketter who is a fitness competitor who I follow on IG), and there are quotes, concepts, pretty flowers, words, etc. Anything you dream or want to achieve, accomplish or do in the next year. Maybe its to get organized, get a haircut, work on your marriage or your cooking skills, take a trip, get a new job, pray more, read more, dream bigger, know God deeper. Whatever it is, it's worthy of acknowledging because every dream we have is about something God placed inside of us to do good in this world, to be salt and light and to lead others to Him for HIS glory. Amen!

If this is too much, google it. I think it was Oprah who did it first.

Here's mine. See, it looks so random and makes no sense, except to me. To me, its beautiful and exciting because I know its everything God is going to do in my life this year, and more, so much more than I can ask or imagine. His Word says so. And I'll tell you the secret to why I think they work. Prayer. And maybe a smidge of accountability in having that daily reminder that you said you'd do something so you better follow through. Because let's face it, if you're like me, then you drop the ball daily on at least three things and I don't need to add one more. This Jesus life is tough!

 

Prayer is the secret. It's the reason. It's everything. Seems simple enough to some but for others finding prayer time or even the "right" words can be overwhelming. The most important part of hosting a VB party is having everyone share what's on their board. Not to embarrass or shame anyone, but to know each other more and to know what I can pray for my friends. When you release those words and share them with people that love you, there is nothing more powerful than knowing they're going to pray for me and I'm praying for them. God says the prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective. Friend, prayer is the most powerful thing you can ever do. Pray.Pray boldly. There is nothing more powerful in this world than the words you speak to the Creator of the universe who knows you and loves you deeply. I prayed for each letter, image, thought that is on this board and I pray for my friends' boards, for their vision and their dreams. They pray for mine.These are our year long prayer requests. We encourage each other to do the things we said we'd do. To do more and better because with Him, we can. We lift each other up. That's what women should do. Praise God that's what the ones in my life do.

If you haven't already made a vision board, just start one. It's New Year's resolutions taken to the next level. Plus, its cutting and pasting pretty stuff. It's win-win really.