All the Feels

I'm certain this season will go down in my history book. It deserves to, because the harder the fight, the more glorious the victory and this has been one heck of a fight. It literally almost took me out; out of my marriage, out of my ministry and most significantly, out of my walk with Jesus. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. Faith is one of my gifts and it comes naturally to me like high metabolism (which I've also abused on occasion) but I guess that's where the enemy got a foothold. I took it for granted. I let my walls down because I thought I was invincible.

Three months ago on the drive home from work, I was on the highway about to exit and I had a thought like I just want to keep going down I-20, never go home and just see where I end up. I told my husband I didn't want to be married anymore. I hated my job. I wanted to runaway. I considered that for the last thirteen years I've done everything God has asked me to. Not that I'm perfect but I've been obedient in the hard moments. You know, the ones that make you want to quit life like getting pregnant at 20 when you aren't married and then staying married when your marriage is legitimately broken and full of resentment, unforgiveness & hopelessness, not to mention alcohol & adultery, when you finish college with two small children at home, when you lose friends not knowing if you'll make new ones, when you pursue career after career with debt piling up, when you keep going to church even though its a fight every single Sunday morning and you don't even know if God notices. Now, I know there are people facing harder battles than these but I believe that whatever battle you face, if it's the hardest one you've faced then its just the hardest one ever. We shouldn't compare even our struggles because, friend, God does notice and He's not comparing, He's cheering us on. Anyways, I woke up one day, and felt like all my obedience should make me feel happier...but it didn't so I didn't want to be obedient anymore. I just wanted to feel better.

I'm not an emotional person. In fact, I hate feelings. They just confuse you, distract you, make you believe things that aren't true. I like facts and rules, and the occasional "calculated" risk. But for some reason, I had all the feelings all at once. They took over my whole being y'all. I literally googled memes that hash tagged "all the feels" and I totally got every single one. Like I'm just screenshot-ing all of them because somehow having them saved on my phone made me feel less crazy?! This desire to feel better was just the beginning of The Battle of 2016. I'm still dealing with the aftermath and honestly I'm not sure if I won or lost yet but I'm confident I will win The War of a Lifetime, my lifetime. I know this because even in my sins(and there have been some huge ones) and in my rebellion, every single day I poured my heart out to God. I yelled and cried, I begged and pleaded, I offered deals and threw huge fits but the point is I kept God in my midst, I kept Him all around me and even when I almost couldn't see Him anymore, I squinted really tight and I fixed my eyes on Jesus. The author and perfecter of my faith. See, God is the best author because He can write things we can never even imagine, far better in fact but His endings are predictable. He is love, He is good, and He is in me so as He writes my story, I become all those things. I have an eternal, gloriously good ending and I don't want to miss it, no matter how I feel.