Dreaming of My Promised Land

Last week was Thanksgiving. The one day a year you pretty much have to be thankful. You can't avoid it and I think for most of us, we appreciate a day where you can just pause and really focus on all the blessings in our lives. It's tricky though because the world also tells you that it should be a perfect day of watching parades and football game after football game, where all of your family lovingly sits around the table and eats the food that someone cheerfully prepared after giving an inspiring prayer then pies and naps for everyone. But seriously, who's Thanksgiving day actually turns out like that?!

This year my husband and I got in a huge fight, my boys were particularly crazy because it had been rainy and they'd been cooped up inside. I forgot one of the ingredients to one of the casseroles so we had to make another trip to Wal-Mart. We didn't host this year so we went to my in-laws and my sister's home back to back. All of our parents are divorced so there's usually an inevitable awkwardness. I cried in the bathroom as soon as I got to my-laws house and promptly told God I wasn't going to be thankful today and no one could make me. Obviously my day was ruined!

Some of this overreaction was hormones but some of it was true feelings like all the praying, studying the Bible, listening to sermons, going to bible studies, and obeying God just didn't matter. I have humbly prayed. I've boldly prayed. I've waited and still I hear nothing. It was so hard to be thankful on the most thankful day of the whole year. It wasn't Thanksgiving, it was Thanks-going because all of my thankfulness was gone.

That night I had a dream...

My husband, my three boys and I were on a four wheeler going very fast near the edge of a cliff. I didn't feel scared though, like being in a roller coaster. It's terrifying and safe all at once. We went around this cliff for a ways, almost falling off several times. Then I was lifted off the four wheeler and I was floating in the air. I was over a valley. It looked very long and deep. There was no way you could have climbed out of it. Some parts seemed awful, burned up like in a volcano, dead, dry and dark. Other parts didn't seem as intimidating. There was green, bushy terrain, some rocks but definitely alive. It was narrow and steep all the way down the entire valley. As I was hovering over it, just like you fly over the city at the beginning of an Omni movie, I felt God say to me "Look at all of this you've walked through." After what felt like a few miles, we came to the end of the valley which truly was a shorter distance than what I thought when we began. There was water as far as I could see. And white pebbles, not sand but still smooth and beautiful. There were people further down the shoreline playing. Immediately I saw Seth, my youngest son and then I saw Levi, my middle son who was looking back into the valley but careful not to step back on it. I turned back towards the ocean; it was breathtaking and calm. All I felt was the deepest, most unimaginable peace. And God asked me in that moment, " Look at this Promised Land! Would you have pressed on if you knew how close you were? Is it not worth it?"

See, parts of our valleys are terrible, broken, scary, dry places and we wonder how we'll ever survive them, but other parts of our valleys, the parts that frighten me the most, are the ordinary, "normal" sections that seem livable, tolerable, and maybe like you could handle them all on your own. These places are completely void of true life. I know I need Jesus but the phases that make me think I don't need Jesus scare me the most. That's where I get stuck, where I think I can pitch a tent and stay a while, maybe forever. Truthfully, as I hovered over that valley of mine, there was no way out and even if I could have there was nothing outside of it. Just emptiness. The only way to your promised land is through the valley. Listening to the voice of our Guide who knows the way out and directs our steps. He never leaves us or forsakes us. Sometimes we believe because the valley seems dark and never ending, or because I want more than the next step or maybe I just want to go my own way, or heaven forbid, just quit. We think we can't trust Him, that He's left us or that the promised land won't be all it's cracked up to be anyways.

But friend, it is! The complete relief I felt was like nothing I have ever known or could even imagine this side of heaven. The world weighs us down with expectations that we'll never meet and its exhausting striving towards them. The promised land in my dream was exactly how I imagine heaven. Filled with glorious love, the beauty of the Lord, our eternal glory which we hope for every step of our dreadful valleys. Don't quit, don't get stuck, and sweet friend, please don't stop trusting Him. Whatever your "promised land" is, run towards it fiercely. It's closer than it seems and it's absolutely worth it.

Wrecked Trust

 

 

Three months ago I was in a car wreck on my way to work; I wasn't hurt but my car was. The guy who hit me was from New Jersey on business in a rental. We didn't involve the police. We filled out all of the paper work and we both went on with our day. My spirit told me I could trust him. In the midst of that crazy moment, I didn't even get his contact information so I was fully relying on him to do the right thing. I could have chosen to be angry with him when it happened but God quickly reminded me that it ruined his morning too. He had to miss the meeting that he came here for, which could've been really important. He was equally embarrassed and frustrated. No one wants to be in a car accident. His morning was just as ruined as mine was. I wasn't angry. I trusted God to immediately take care of it. (Think, "Like a good neighbor, Jesus is there") To say this, isn't' to boast about me, but to point out that God honors our obedient choices. They may seem like they don't make a difference in the moment, but I assure you they do matter to Him.

 

But when I didn't hear from him for a few days, my husband did start to question my judgment call that I had made that morning. Through enormous effort by my P.I.-wanna be husband, he got a hold of the man and we began to start sorting things out. It was not easy. We were passed from company to company, endless phone calls and emails, weeks went by. No one was helpful or seemingly concerned with our situation. I had made a decision to trust God in this entire situation even when I didn't want to, even when I couldn't hear Him or see Him moving.

 

Yesterday I got my car back from the body shop, completely fixed at no financial cost to me. Tears welled up inside of me at the sight of it which sounds so silly but it wasn't about my car being that special or important. It was about God showing up for me, teaching me to trust Him. Not because something magical happened at the end of that three months but because He did something magical in me. I've been practicing trusting God, and yes practice makes perfect even when learning to trust and obey the creator of the universe. Every time something didn't work out or happen on a given day, I'd say, God I trust you. A thousand times I must have said it, thought it, wrote it down. And I had to work. None of the insurance companies or agents wanted to worry about my car. Paperwork was filed wrong. Phone calls weren't returned. Eventually though, the dent in my car was repaired and so were the doubts in my mind. God comes through, every time. Trusting Him isn't about a glorious answer to every prayer I pray and most times it isn't quick. That's why we're called to persevere, so that we'll be mature, not lacking anything.

 

This car isn't special. It's four years old, it has gum stuck to one of the floor mats, legos in many crevices, a nerf gun always on board, red baseball dirt lightly dusting the backseat and probably spills and crumbs I'll never get completely out. It also has some of our favorite movies we've laughed at together, my five year old's finger prints on the back window, my favorite pencils and hair ties in the  front console, my TCU alumini tag on the back reminding me how hard I worked for that. So many great memories and trips. It daily transports my life's most valuable treasures.

 

God wants our whole heart. That's it. We aren't that special by the world's standards. Most of us anyways. But we are to Him. And when he sees us, I believe His eyes well with loving tears. He can't wait to show us great things, beyond what we can ask or imagine, share amazing love with us in quiet intimate moments, and go on wild adventures with us. That's what happens when we trust Him.

 

Jesus, help me trust you more! So that I never miss a single step for it could be the best one yet.

 

 

Boat Boarding

I've struggled this week with persevering because I didn't see God moving the way I wanted Him to. It's much easier to say I'll persevere  and to believe, like Peter, that I will have enough faith. But living this side of heaven is so hard. I can be driving down the road worshipping God with my whole heart as if I'm leading a choir of angels, then someone cuts me off and just like that a cuss word pops right into my head. How quickly our thoughts can change! Lord take them captive!

As I was reading in Genesis this morning about Noah, a story I've likely heard a thousand times in my life, I asked God for a new perspective. I think most of us assume we'd be Noah in the story, at the very least maybe one of his daughter-in-laws, but every time I assume I'd make it on that boat. Living in this world, with all of its brokenness, hate, self-entitlement, lack of grace, for even ourselves; Satan certainly has the home team advantage. If I really look at all of my thoughts, my sins, how quickly I can give up some days and think "If I can't beat them, join them!" I have to ask myself, do I actually make it on the boat?

I can't imagine a stronger sense of the word hope than when I think about the first drops of rain that started the flood, the last of the animals climbing aboard the ramp, and me, running to join Noah and his family, praying they don't leave me to drown. 1 John 3:1-3 says,

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we’re called children of God! That’s who we really are. But that’s also why the world doesn’t recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he’s up to.

But friends, that’s exactly who we are: children of God. And that’s only the beginning. Who knows how we’ll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we’ll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his Coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus’ life as a model for our own.

 

I've pouted like a spoiled child the last few days because I'm impatient waiting on God, because I don't trust Him as much as I'd like to believe that I do, because I'm human, because my flesh fails daily. But the great news is that God already knows that. He made me and He gave His only son in death so that as that rain comes down, Jesus is the ramp and if I run to it, never stopping, no matter how the rain beats against me, if I stumble, if someone tries to stop me. If I run to that deep, abiding, grace-filled, abundantly merciful, lavish love, Praise God, I will be on that boat!

 

Today is a new day so let us take up our crosses and press on-we have a boat to board! 

Lighten the Load

Father,

Thank you that You give rest to the weary, that you bear my burdens daily, and that You are my warrior fighting my battles for me. I am never alone or forgotten. Guard my heart against the enemy's attempts to convince me my sins are too big for you. I confess I try to win the war in my own strength. Forgive my pride, and my doubt. They tell me I don't need you. Make my faith bigger than my fears. I want to trust you more because anything less that your desires are robbing me of the best things. That you for being good, for your undeniable love, for Jesus's death and for the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in me.

I love you God.

Amen.  

 

 

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

 

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Blissfully Ignorant

Can I just get real for a minute? Some days, I don't want to try, to be good or better or nice or pretty. Choosing grace and love just feels like work and frankly, sometimes like it's not even worth it. It doesn't make a difference, no one will notice or care and I'll just be resentful. Some days I'm frustrated that people don't know Jesus or don't love Him or worse they do but their actions don't show it. I get mad at God for holding me to a level of accountability that others don't seem to even know exists. I feel alone and discouraged; no amount of prayers or scripture can pull me away from the greatest pity party I'm throwing myself. Some days, in matters of faith, I think ignorance might be bliss. No accountability. No failure. No knowing any better.

Today at work, one of my dear friends wore a shirt that, in her defense, was black but in the right lighting you could see the image on her bra. We happened to have a meeting with our manager that day along with some other random office conversations. She walked a few blocks away to pick up lunch so she probably saw no less than twenty people today. All the while, having no clue that you could see through her shirt. She was blissfully ignorant!  So until she went to the bathroom and saw in that light a reflection of herself that you could in fact notice the cute little butterflies obviously trying to peek out. She was of course mortified as each person's face she talked to that day began popping up in her mind, wondering if any or all of them noticed. All of a sudden, she didn't feel blissful. She felt embarrassed and frustrated. Our other coworker and great friend, had on a black tank top under her sweater than she quickly shimmied off and handed over to her. All of this is happening in the doorway of my office so we're laughing hysterically. We made several jokes about her bra and how quickly our friend got that tank top off without anyone hardly noticing what she did. It was a great moment.

While her ignorance was bliss for a while, when she was completely made aware of the situation, she wished she had known all along because then she could have made a better choice from the beginning. And if she hadn't found out half way through the day, we wouldn't have had the best laugh which I desperately needed on this tough "some day".

Sarah Young who writes Jesus Calling, wrote today, "The fog is a protection for you, calling you back into the present moment. Some day the fog will no longer be necessary, for you will have learned to keep your focus on me and on the path just ahead of you."

1 Corinthians 13:11-12 says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Days when I can be blissfully ignorant, I will try to be thankful for it could be a blessing, sparing me from things I don't know could hurt me. And when some days come and I know God is calling me higher, I'll try to be humbly obedient believing with my whole heart that I am His, knowing He loves me with an everlasting love and I never want to live, even blissfully, ignorant to that great love.