Blizzard Meltdown

I started this 12 week weight lifting program back at the first of January and I'm exactly half way through it. I workout 6-7 days a week, I count my macros and log all my food. It's exhausting most days. However, I've made progress, the numbers prove it. I've lost a clothing size, 3% body fat, I think I can see a shadow of my abs (I may still be dreaming on that one but I'm hopeful). Nonetheless, I had a moment this past weekend where no matter the truth, every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was how far I still had to go, how much I hadn't accomplished yet, all the food I wasn't eating (Bread-I still love you!) . I was mad so I sent my husband to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. I ate it in about 5 minutes on the floor in my closet while I prayed....and cried.

I wasn't just eating a Blizzard, the most mouthwatering amazing ice cream concoction ever created, but I was also experiencing a spiritual blizzard. Drop by my pity party for just a moment... I get in my closet to pray most every morning, I journal, read my bible, host studies and mentor other girls, I'm in a life group and I serve at church when I can. I ask God to use me everyday, no I beg Him actually (and come to think of it, this may just be Him telling me to hush like I do my children when they beg for something, except I know my Father is much more gracious than I). These are things we're supposed to do, things that most days truly fulfill me but every now and then, the enemy wins and he convinces you his lies are truth. That you don't matter, God will never use you and He certainly doesn't care about the everyday choices that you make. Dear One, if this is a current lie the devil is telling you, please hear me....God deeply cares about every.single.choice. you make. He honors your obedience and He sees and loves you more than anything. That's truth-hang on to it! Anyway, so the same moment I'm eating this ice cream, Indian style on the floor with tears in my eyes, I tell God just how much I want to quit and ask Him if He's worth it.

 

Will You ever answer some of my prayers? Why does this life have to be so hard? Where are you?

God reminded me of the time Jesus prayed to His Father in the garden before His death. He asked God if there be any other way but death. What if Jesus didn't say, "Your will be done"? What if He said, "Dad, I've been with these people over 30 years and I don't think they're worth it." And what if God said ok. What if when Jesus bearing the cross and all of MY sins, YOUR sins, gave up? I can't even imagine the weight. On the way up that hill, Jesus carrying his cross, dropped it from exhaustion and pain. Joseph was told to carry it the rest of the way for him but what if Jesus had quit right then and there. What if He didn't finish His race, denied us and left us to reconcile our own sins. No Easter, no resurrection, no eternal life, no grace or forgiveness, no hope and no love.

Thank you Jesus, that You aren't a quitter. Praise God, Your will be done and not mine. I am weak, my flesh fails, I'm scared and doubtful. You, Lord, are the only good thing in me. If anyone in the history of ever, should've quit, it should've been Jesus. No one would have thought less of Him but maybe no one would've thought more of Him. That's what makes Him so special isn't it?! His great love. He loves you, and me, so much that He didn't quit. Not then, not now, He pursues us still.

I'll probably never be asked to lay down my life the way Jesus did but I am invited everyday to pick up my cross and follow Him. Some days I don't know if its worth it. But I believe God's Word and I'm compelled to follow it because there's something about that great love...I need it like I need air to breathe. Because if Jesus so obediently died for that love, surely I can live for it?!

I will eat more real Blizzards and encounter more hypothetical ones because this side of Heaven is absolutely dreadful some days. That's ok. Jesus knows it is too and He intercedes for us to the Father. So eat a big blizzard, cry big tears but don't quit. Thank God, Jesus didn't.